I have been struggling to know what to write about this week; so much has happened that I keep finding myself unsure of how to approach such a tender subject.
Last Wednesday, Kohl’s dad passed away unexpectedly. I found myself suddenly switching roles with Kohl, as I tried to take care of him while he navigated territory that I knew nothing about. I had no idea what I could say or do that might help him, so I tried to say as little as possible and just be there with him and for him as much as I could. Now, a week after the funeral, I’m finding myself with several disparate thoughts all jostling around in my head, and I’ve decided to just let them fall out onto the page and hope someone finds them helpful.
Firstly, I need to express my gratitude for Kohl’s father. He was a genial, warm hearted man who loved music, technology, and sweets. He also struggled with health problems for most of his life. I think part of the reason Kohl is so patient with me as I go through my own struggles, is because he grew up seeing his mom take care of his dad. That patience and knowledge is only a small portion of the legacy that David passed to his children, but it has affected my life immensely.
Secondly, I have been putting a lot of thought into how we all experience such different trials. As I sit helplessly among my in-laws, wishing I could comfort them, but unsure of what to say or do, I have realized that what I have experienced has given me the ability to recognize and feel true compassion for others’ suffering, but it has not provided me with a true understanding of their pain. We are all surrounded by people with vastly different hardships than our own, and I have two very strong beliefs about that.
The first is that no one has it any tougher than anyone else, not really. We are fundamentally unable to feel exactly what anyone else feels, so we have no way to know how hard any one trial is for another person. What would be difficult for one person may not be very hard for another to deal with; likewise, what may be a simple hurdle for one individual may feel completely insurmountable to me. For instance, as lame as having a kidney disease is, and as frustrated as I get sometimes, it is a physical ailment, and I am not afraid of physical problems. My will has always been stronger than my pain. The most difficult thing I deal with, my secret trauma that rips me into shreds inside, is my inability to have children. It’s not as obvious as my kidney problems; in fact, no one meeting me would even know that it is an issue, but the aching pain of that wound makes my organ failure feel like a small thorn in my foot. One of my favorite sayings is, “Be kinder than necessary; everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.” We should never make the mistake of thinking we are better or worse off than someone else; life is going to test and teach all of us, and we don’t have the right or the responsibility to compare hardships.
The second thing I believe strongly about trials is that there is recompense attached to suffering, and I am not only talking about the blessings that various beliefs promise to those who are patient. There are blessings we gain in this life that are the direct results of what we go through. Our burdens give us the ability to feel sympathy, and sometimes even empathy, for others who hurt. As we struggle, we begin to see through different eyes. Sorrow provides wisdom, grief teaches compassion, and pain clarifies how to be truly grateful. This last week of heartache, I realized again that although I can’t always understand what the person next to me is feeling, I have learned enough to know that offering my unconditional support is often sufficient. I am here for whenever Kohl needs me, and because I am more familiar with sorrow, grief, and pain than I was, I will be able to recognize when that is. This is one of the ways that shadow enriches the light, and I am grateful for the eyes I have to see that.
I’m still feeling jumbled by this experience, and I know there are lessons I haven’t sifted out yet, but I hope I’ve made some sense. What are your thoughts about grief or trials? I would like to know how other people deal with helping loved ones through painful times. Does everyone feel as inadequate as I do?