The last couple of months have been challenging for me, and I’m afraid that this blog has been a little gloomy in consequence. The truth is, my life is pretty fantastic. I live in an apartment in a beautiful Victorian mansion in a historic part of Salt Lake City with my husband, who happens to be an extremely talented filmmaker capable of making me laugh daily, and my chinchilla. I’m fairly weird, and yet I’ve been able to make good friends who can either look past the oddness or share some of it. I am surrounded by people who care enough about me to consistently check up on me and want to take care of me, though I’m afraid sometimes my desire for self-sufficiency and stubbornness deny them the opportunity.
Basically, what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry those of you who read regularly have been subjected to so much doom and gloom lately. I’m actually a very optimistic person, but I think that the stress and sadness of the last few months has been reflected in the emotions I’ve expressed here. In contrast, I want this post to focus on all the bright, sunshiney spots in my life, so I have listed some of them below.
-I have fourteen nieces and nephews whom I love with all my heart. I can’t resist making things for them, and I could talk about them all day. (Although I don’t, or at least I try not to; I’m pretty sure etiquette demands that I refrain from monopolizing the conversation with anecdotes about the precocious and adorable offspring of my siblings and in-laws. If you’re interested, though…we should have a chat.) One of the things that makes me happiest is writing letters to those little joybugs. I started it when I moved out of state and didn’t get to see them as much, and it has been more fun than I ever imagined. They LOVE getting mail.
-Some of my friends and I started a Craft Club. We get together once or twice a month, and everyone brings something they’re working on (or not; sometimes people just want to get in on the conversation), and we talk and craft. It is a huge stress reliever. In fact, the first time we did it, I ended up bawling like a baby as I talked about some of the stuff going on with my disease, and afterwards I felt so much better. Luckily, I’ve never repeated that performance, but it’s so nice to know that I have a place where I can be like that and people will still sit near me the next time they see me. Also, one of these times I’m going to have someone teach me to knit.
-While in Arizona for my father-in-law’s funeral, we were able to see some of our best friends. Just seeing their faces at the viewing and funeral made everything easier. Again, when we came back to Utah, we were able to see many of our best friends here, and it eased my heartache. I have genuine love for these people, and there is not much I wouldn’t do for them. To have them there when I needed them was a blessing I didn’t even realize I needed.
-I find constant delight in creating things. One of the premiere joys in my life is to sit in a beautiful place, preferably outdoors, and work with my hands. I just finished a sweater for one of my nieces, and I have been in love with it for the last 24 hours. I couldn’t stop picking it up and admiring the colors. I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m bragging; I adored the colors when they were just hanks of yarn also. I just mailed it off this morning, and I can’t wait to see a picture of my niece in it. Making and giving gifts provides some of the happiest moments in my life.
-My husband, Kohl, is my very best friend, and he has been since four years before we were married. He was there the first time my kidneys failed as my friend, and he was with me the second time as my husband and primary caregiver. He is patient, gentle, irreverent, witty, highly intelligent, startlingly creative, and hilarious, and when he doesn’t know anyone is watching, he is an amazing dancer. I don’t know who I would be if I didn’t have him in my life.
-Finally, after all the fear and worry about my doctor’s appointment, it turns out my numbers are still surprisingly good (for someone with only 9% kidney function, at least). My doctor said that I don’t have to start dialysis right away; she’s giving me four more weeks, and then I’ll get more bloodwork done. Considering that my previous kidneys have failed in a matter of weeks after the earlier returns of my disease, the fact that this failure has taken more than a year is miraculous. I am so grateful for this extra year of health that I’ve been given. I feel like my senses are sharpened, and I have been able to notice every delightful thing with grateful eyes. The doctor also told me that I shouldn’t have to go on hemodialysis at all! That was a huge pile of dread that slid right off my shoulders, and I’m feeling a little more able to breathe. The only gray lining to this silver cloud is that I’m badly anemic, to the point that I may have to start getting bi-weekly shots of Epo to strengthen my blood. Unfortunately, these cost $2500 a pop, so to be able to afford them I might have to start dialysis anyway, in order to get on Medicare.
Regardless of the hurdles still ahead, I’m feeling happy and relieved that things turned out so much better than I had hoped. It’s a lesson to me not to let my fears control my outlook. With a life as full of delight and joy and sunshine as mine is, it’s a pity to focus on the gloom.